Who I Am

When the song, You Say by Lauren Daigle, first came out on the radio and I heard it for the first time, I cried. It was as if she wrote this just for me. It was as if she went into my past, saw all of my struggles with myself, saw all of the areas where I felt I fell short, all of the relationships I desperately wanted (and often times still do), all of the insecurities I've had, all of the times I felt I wasn't good enough (and still do), and on and on and on, and wrote this for me.

 You Say

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Oh I believe (I), yes I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh I believe (oh)

Songwriters: Paul Mabury / Lauren Ashley Daigle / Jason Ingram

You Say lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

 These are the lyrics to her song. Right from the very beginning, about fighting the voices in my mind, not being good enough, never being able to measure up. Oh My Goodness!! That is how I have felt...forever! Now, before you say "but look at what you do, what you have done, what you have accomplished", because I have been blessed many times over, you have to understand the struggle to get here.

I have always struggled with my self-worth my entire life. Wondering where I belonged. Feeling that I didn't fit in with people or groups that I wanted to belong to. Desperate for relationships that weren't just one-sided. Feeling that I wasn't good enough to be part of a group, to be chosen for something I really wanted (or thought I did), or just to be accepted.

I've always been pretty shy. I know some who read this will find that comical, but I really am. From a very young age I struggled with talking with people who I didn't know. I found it difficult to make friends at first because of this shyness. Having relationships with friends (once I got to know them) wasn't difficult, but it was often difficult getting to that point. Not that I was difficult to speak to, just that I was wary of opening myself up to someone lest I get hurt. I have always had really close friends. Not tons of friends, but the ones I have are truly special.

When I think back to high school (and why would I want to do that?), it kind of makes my stomach churn. I can remember desperately wanting to be part of a "group". I don't know what group, maybe the popular kids, definitely not the smokers (although I think I'm probably friends with some of those smokers)! I never considered myself one of the popular kids from my school. I knew LOTS of kids from all groups and could get along with and be friends with EVERYONE. I wasn't cute enough, didn't wear the right clothes, didn't have the right body type, maybe my dad didn't work for the right company, I wasn't athletic. So many variables to consider. But...I had friends, good friends.

In addition to being shy, I have always gotten extremely nervous when speaking or performing in front of a group of people. Knowing that you would think that I would never want to perform in front of anyone. On the contrary, I have loved to sing from an early age. That didn't mean I didn't get nervous, because I did! I think I was pretty good at singing (I was also in the band, played clarinet, and was our drum major my senior year). I loved singing so much I decided to major in vocal music performance in college.  My absolute dream was to sing at the Metropolitan Opera in NYC. I don't know if I would have ever made it because I let those voices discourage me from finding out.

Years later, I began to sing regularly at church. Still getting nervous, but doing it none the less. My voice was a gift I was given by God and I had to use it no matter how nervous I got. Still...those voices...not good enough...never measure up...always someone better. I wasn't singing for glory, just God, but at the same time I wanted to do well. I think part of my nervousness over the years was that I didn't want to be laughed at, to disappoint anyone, to please everyone when really I just needed to sing for God. Thinking about it right now makes me well-up with tears. All the years I worried about what others thought, when really no one else but God mattered!

Pleasing others, wanting to be accepted by everyone, feeling left out when not included, these are all areas I have struggled with too. This is not just with people I know or friends, but even family. Relationships are so important to me and it's often here that I hear the voices saying I'm not good enough...someone else is more important...it's okay if you aren't included...you get the idea. I've always tried to include everyone, not leave anyone out because I know how that feels to be left out and not included. It hurts...again the voices telling me I'm not good enough...will never measure up.

And then this song...it's not as if I haven't heard these words spoken or sung before, but there's just something in this song that struck a chord. So many things in my past (and actually in my present too) that have eaten away at me, that have caused me time, energy, tears, are not important! It doesn't matter what others think of me (although I still dwell on this because I want to be liked and accepted). It only matters that God loves me and accepts me just as I am. With all my failures, my weaknesses, my struggles. I know it is a daily battle to fight back those voices that tell me I'm not enough, that try and tell me that I'll never measure up to standards of today (whatever those may be). But this I know...it isn't about me, but about Him. I know this side of heaven I'll never be enough, never good enough, pretty enough, you name it. But to my God, I'm just right! If I fall, I know He'll be there to pick me up and if I have a victory of some kind it really won't be mine but His!

These will all be daily struggles, but...

I know I'm loved.
I know I'm strong.
I know He holds me.
I know I belong.
I know I'm HIS!
And I believe...

Update:  I wrote and published all the above in 2018. I started to write a new post today, 2/20/23 about being weary. Weary for all of the reasons listed above but then I re-read this and realized I've already written it. I think at times we all get weary and burdened in our lives, from things we've done or maybe things we should have done. Regardless, there is always REST with the Father. For all He does for me, I'm so very thankful.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30