Celebrating Life - Katie

 Yesterday evening, Jeff and I had the pleasure of attending a celebration of life for a woman who we really barely knew, but who had made a mark on our lives during the short 5 years we knew her. Why would I say we had the "pleasure" of attending something that is usually very somber and sad? Well, it was a bit somber and sad, but remembering her and her life should make those who attended, who knew her much longer than we did, to smile.

We only met back in 2015, at least that is when I believe we met. Since that time, we've probably only been together a handful of times for birthday celebrations or other special events. At each of these events, my friend never hesitated to include me in conversations, enquire about events of my life, or just to share and discuss current events in the area. Even if Jeff and I were the "outsiders" in the group, she and her husband were always always always welcoming and truly seemed joyful to see us. 

It was probably that year in 2015 that I experienced her kindness for that first time. I had just completed all of the work to earn an advanced degree in education and had just graduated from the university. A few days later I received some flowers to congratulate me for completing my hard work. Something totally unexpected from someone I barely knew. Yes, some of my family congratulated me on my accomplishment, but this was from someone I barely knew. 

Over the next few years up until just about 2 months before her passing, she and I would usually correspond via cards and letters but occasionally by phone. I always enjoyed when I received a note from her and would usually immediately reply. It actually took me back to over 50 years ago when I would have to correspond with my grandmother via letters back in the 60's. Those letters from my grandmother were some of my greatest treasures and I came to treasure the letters from my friend as well.

I know that her family will be missing her terribly, especially around the holidays that are fast approaching, but every day as well. I know that she corresponded with them often, sometimes daily. From what I know of you, Katie, you lived a good life. I will certainly miss our chats and conversations.

As she neared the end of life, she and I had written each other one more time. I had told her I would love to be able to come and just sit with her but I also knew that having company was an exhausting feat for her so I was unable to do that. As she was nearing the end, her daughters asked I would be available to come and assist with her, if needed and if my friend would allow. I told them that I would be honored to help. Unfortunately for me, I never got that opportunity. That actually took me back to 2008 when my own mother was laying in the hospital very close to death. While I was there, close to her, there was really nothing I could do for her but to just be there. 

Hiking

 I love to hike. Jeff and I love to hike. We've hiked in our Missouri State Parks, our National Parks, and even some of the local parks that have trails. Hiking, to me, is not the same as just taking a walk. If I go for a walk, it will probably be on a paved trail, sidewalk, or road that may be in a town, park, or even a school. My hiking usually takes place in a wooded area. Just my preference. 

Today I went for a hike by myself to a nearby state park. Jeff was working and I wanted to hike, so I drove to Don Robinson State Park. It isn't too far from home and is a beautiful location. It has 2 trails; LaBarque Hills Trail (2.4 miles) and Sandstone Canyon Trail (3.9 miles). We've hiked the LaBarque Hills Trail in the past and even though the Sandstone Canyon Trail is a bit longer, I chose to hike the Sandstone Canyon Trail.

I'll admit, the Sandstone Canyon Trail looked a bit intimidating, but nothing I couldn't complete. I've completed a Barbarian Challenge that was a 6.2 mile course with many obstacles along the course (I didn't complete many of the obstacles but I did complete the course). It was held at Noccalulu Falls Park in Gadsden, Alabama. It was definitely a tough course. That was hiking to the extreme.

When Jeff and I hike or walk together, we will often talk to each other as we hike/walk but we also will often just hike/walk without talking. We just look at what is around us and listen to all the sounds of the area. We'll stop and explore sections, take pictures, and just observe.

Many times when I walk alone I'll listen to music on my phone, typically only Joy FM (although I like most types of music). 

Today's hike, I didn't want the distraction of music playing in my ears. That didn't mean I didn't have music swirling in my head as I always have a song or ten playing in my head and I am always "singing" along to it (I try to keep this singing to myself). Additionally, I love just hearing the wind blow, the crunch of the leaves under my feet (or under the feet of critters walking in the woods), the trickle of water in a creek or stream, or the sound of people who I might encounter on the trail. I stop often and take in the amazing beauty that God has created. I observe. I take pictures. I collect items for the "nature box" we have for the grandkids.

In addition to all of the above listed activities that I do while hiking, I pray. I pray for my husband, my children (and their wives), my grandchildren, the rest of my family, friends, church, missions, our country, this world...they are never ending. Someone or something comes to mind and I pray. I don't often remember exactly what I prayed for or about but I remember today's prayers. There were two main prayers on my mind and heart today.  The first was for a friend and her family as they are preparing the death of their mother and grandmother. She is declining rapidly right before their eyes. It made me think about the 7 days we spent watching my mom die. 😢  💔 The second prayer was thanking God for His grace, mercies, and forgiveness EVERY DAY. 💗Also a reminder that I need to always remember to extend the same grace, mercy, and forgiveness to others. How could I not when I am forgiven over and over again.

As I hiked today, I didn't have the trail all to myself as I encountered quite a few people along the trail. We exchanged our "hello" and "good morning" and each moved on our way. How many of them were humming a song in their head? How many were praying for someone they know? I have no idea. I do know that I will continue to LISTEN as I take my hikes. You never know what you might hear.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

Summer of '71

 The summer of 1971. This is something I hadn't thought about until I saw that Six Flags Over Mid-America (St. Louis) was turning 50 this year. Seeing that brought back quite a few memories from that summer.

I was 10 years old that summer. Just finished 4th grade and would be in 5th grade in the fall. Summer as a 10-year-old should be full of fun and adventures, running with the neighborhood kids, swimming at the pool, just doing whatever a kid wanted to do. 

I'm sure that I did all of those things, at least at the beginning of the summer. Not sure exactly when it was that I went with my grandma Ruby to spend a week at the home of my uncle, aunt, and cousins in Grandview, Missouri. My cousin Sheri and I are only 19 days apart in age and were very close as kids. (While we don't always keep in touch as we used to, she is still important to me.)

That week in Grandview was spent doing all the things kids would do. Running, riding bikes, swimming, and just being a kid. So many memories.

After we finished the week there, Grandma and I went back to her house in Wheeling, Missouri and connected with the rest of my family. I remember that we spent quite a few days there while Mom and Dad painted Grandma's house and did other updates for her. While they did that, my siblings and I just did kid stuff which here included a tire swing, climbing trees, and exploring the small town.

Once all of the updates to Grandma's house were completed, the family headed home. I remember while we were driving home that Dad told us that we were going to be going to the brand new amusement park called Six Flags. Of course, the 4 of us kids were excited!

Even though it was 50 years ago, something this monumental should bring forth wonderful memories. Unfortunately, my memories of this occasion and the rest of the year were anything but wonderful. 

While we were at the park, riding the rides, eating the food, I remember I began to get a headache. It continued as the day progressed but I really noticed it when I rode the Mine Train roller coaster. The "clank clank clank" as the cars climbed the hills became excruciating. Sometime later, I noticed my feet were hurting. Thinking it was my shoes, I took them off only to realize how swollen they had become. I then couldn't put my shoes back on again.

I don't remember much about the rest of the day except that I don't think I rode any more rides or did much else except follow everyone around the park. I just didn't feel good at all.

Fast forward to a few days to a week later, going to the doctor because the symptoms I had experienced at Six Flags were continuing, and having the doctor tell my parents that I needed to be admitted to the hospital in St. Louis. We had a smaller hospital in the town just 7 miles from us, but we didn't have any specialists locally. My parents were very concerned for me to be in a hospital by myself at 10-years-old, 50 miles away. Thankfully it was decided that I could be admitted to our local hospital (St. Francis) in Washington and that the specialist would be able to come to this hospital to evaluate me.

I believe I was admitted on a Monday and the specialist came to evaluate on Tuesday. I honestly don't remember exactly when it was that a diagnosis was given (I'll talk more about that later). What I do remember is that back in that day, our hospital did not have televisions in all hospital rooms, not that it mattered because we really didn't have many channels back then. But, it would give me something to do during the day and evening for both me and my roommate. My family didn't have a small portable television, but thankfully some family friends did and let me use it. It definitely helped, especially since I had to be in that room and bed for 9 days. I was allowed to walk to the bathroom and back to my bed. No further. It was definitely a difficult time.

Now to the diagnosis...it was determined that I had a disease in my kidneys called Bright's Disease. I don't know how I got it or what caused it. What I do know is that this disease changed my life for 6 months, maybe even longer.

As a result of the diagnosis, there were many things in my life that had to change. One change was that I was not allowed to have any salt AT ALL. Back in the 70's, no salt or low salt foods were difficult to find. As a result, my mom had to find ways to make meals for me that were different than what everyone else ate. No bacon. No ham. Nothing with any salt. One of our family's weekly activities included having popcorn as we watched The Wonderful World of Disney on Sunday evenings. Mom had to make my popcorn either plain (yuck) or better yet using no salt butter and sugar. That became a favorite for me.

Even worse than the no salt, was that I was not allowed to do any physical activity. None. My room was on the 2nd floor of our house. I was allowed to go upstairs to go to bed and come downstairs in the morning. I had to sit/lay on a foldout sofa bed in our living room all day. I was allowed to walk to the bathroom and back. That was it. After a while I was allowed to walk out to sit on our porch, but no further. The only time I walked further was to go to the car when we went to the doctor's office, walk into and out of the office, back to the car, and back into the house. This was the middle of July and I was 10.

In addition to no salt and no activity, I took an extremely high dose of penicillin daily. An extremely high dose.

As the weeks progressed and it came closer to going back to school, there were questions about whether or not I would even be able to go to school. I was going to be in 5th grade. All of the 5th grade classes were on the top floor of our school. But of course there would be walking to go to art, music, PE, lunch, recess, the library, you name it. 

My dad worked for Southwestern Bell, I remember my parents talking about the possibility of doing "remote learning" long before that was even a thing. Apparently Bell was going to help if that was necessary. Fortunately, I was cleared to go to school, but with a few restrictions; I couldn't play at recess (I couldn't even walk outside at first) and I couldn't participate in PE. For recess, I had to just sit in the classroom and usually read a book. I remember there was another girl who had had a broken leg and wasn't allowed to go outside either. She and I became friends and would often play games during recess time. Eventually we both were cleared to at least walk around the playground during recess time. 

This was my life from sometime in June until my 11th birthday in December. During these 6 months, I had many doctor appointments to check and see if the infection in my kidneys was still there. I don't remember how often I had these appointments, but I do remember the final one. My doctor, James Shea, walked into the room where I was waiting and he told me that from that day forward I was able to eat anything I wanted and I could do anything I wanted; run, jump, ride my bike, ANYTHING!! That was probably the happiest day of my life!! I remember the first thing I asked my mom to make for me...BACON! 

I honestly don't remember if my taste for some things changed during this time, but I do know that I prefer salty foods over sweet foods. Not super salty, but salty.

When I went back to school after that appointment, I was able to actually play at recess and participate in PE. And, I was able to go back to playing with all of the kids in my neighborhood. Until this time, they would have to come to the house and just sit and play games or whatever we could do while sitting.

As I grew up, I kind of forgot about having this disease until I was taking college classes to become a teacher. I had to take an Art for Children class in which we had to research an artist. I chose Mary Cassatt, an American artist. As I researched her, I found that she had a sister, Lydia, who died from Bright's Disease in 1882. I was shocked. Could I have died from this disease? Possibly, if I had lived in the 1800's. Thankfully I lived in the 1900's and had access to strong medicine.

Over the past 50 years, I have thought about this time in my life only occasionally. It wasn't until I saw that Six Flags was celebrating it's 50th anniversary that the memories came flooding back in. There are many things to be thankful for; a specialist who found the cause of my illness, a great doctor who took over my treatment, a mom who had to create 2 different meals to accommodate my dietary restrictions, friends who would come and sit with me, family friends who loaned us the television to watch while in the hospital, and friends and relatives who sent cards to me for months. You never know what can happen to you at any time...

Words

 Words.

Words can build you up. They can make you or someone you know feel loved. Feel wonderful. Feel beautiful. They let you know how someone feels. How much you might be appreciated. 

Words can also destroy, not just you, but others as well. Believe it or not, words are not forgotten. Do you remember "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."? Well, that's a lie. They do hurt. Bad.

Over the years, I have had many words spoken or yelled at me. I have been made to feel absolutely wonderful and loved. I have also been made to feel worthless. Because of the latter, I have tried very hard to select the words that I use. To know when to speak and when not to speak. I have to admit that I haven't always been successful at that but I try. I try to think before I speak. Unfortunately, that has been seen as being apathetic which couldn't be further from the truth. I often have a great deal to say, but wish to ponder what to say or if I should say anything at all. Again, unfortunately, there has been a time or two when I spoke when I should have been quiet. When that happens, you have to go back and do damage control, explain what you said or why you said it. Sometimes it's the truth, but possibly could have been spoken in a different way. 

"May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing to you oh Lord, my rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14

This scripture is also a song that we used to sing quite often when I was in the praise band, but we hadn't until today. It was so perfect to go along with the sermon and with how I have been feeling for a while. 

"May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing to you, pleasing to you.
May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing to you, my God.

You're my rock and my redeemer, you're the reason that I sing, I desire to be a blessing in your eyes.
Every hour every moment, Lord I want to be your servant, I desire to be a blessing in your eyes, in your eyes." Shane Barnard

These words. So powerful. So beautiful. Something I have to think about before I speak. Do you?

P.S. Thanks Bill Thomas for the sermon and Chris Strickland for the song.

Who I Am

When the song, You Say by Lauren Daigle, first came out on the radio and I heard it for the first time, I cried. It was as if she wrote this just for me. It was as if she went into my past, saw all of my struggles with myself, saw all of the areas where I felt I fell short, all of the relationships I desperately wanted (and often times still do), all of the insecurities I've had, all of the times I felt I wasn't good enough (and still do), and on and on and on, and wrote this for me.

 You Say

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Oh I believe (I), yes I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh I believe (oh)

Songwriters: Paul Mabury / Lauren Ashley Daigle / Jason Ingram

You Say lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

 These are the lyrics to her song. Right from the very beginning, about fighting the voices in my mind, not being good enough, never being able to measure up. Oh My Goodness!! That is how I have felt...forever! Now, before you say "but look at what you do, what you have done, what you have accomplished", because I have been blessed many times over, you have to understand the struggle to get here.

I have always struggled with my self-worth my entire life. Wondering where I belonged. Feeling that I didn't fit in with people or groups that I wanted to belong to. Desperate for relationships that weren't just one-sided. Feeling that I wasn't good enough to be part of a group, to be chosen for something I really wanted (or thought I did), or just to be accepted.

I've always been pretty shy. I know some who read this will find that comical, but I really am. From a very young age I struggled with talking with people who I didn't know. I found it difficult to make friends at first because of this shyness. Having relationships with friends (once I got to know them) wasn't difficult, but it was often difficult getting to that point. Not that I was difficult to speak to, just that I was wary of opening myself up to someone lest I get hurt. I have always had really close friends. Not tons of friends, but the ones I have are truly special.

When I think back to high school (and why would I want to do that?), it kind of makes my stomach churn. I can remember desperately wanting to be part of a "group". I don't know what group, maybe the popular kids, definitely not the smokers (although I think I'm probably friends with some of those smokers)! I never considered myself one of the popular kids from my school. I knew LOTS of kids from all groups and could get along with and be friends with EVERYONE. I wasn't cute enough, didn't wear the right clothes, didn't have the right body type, maybe my dad didn't work for the right company, I wasn't athletic. So many variables to consider. But...I had friends, good friends.

In addition to being shy, I have always gotten extremely nervous when speaking or performing in front of a group of people. Knowing that you would think that I would never want to perform in front of anyone. On the contrary, I have loved to sing from an early age. That didn't mean I didn't get nervous, because I did! I think I was pretty good at singing (I was also in the band, played clarinet, and was our drum major my senior year). I loved singing so much I decided to major in vocal music performance in college.  My absolute dream was to sing at the Metropolitan Opera in NYC. I don't know if I would have ever made it because I let those voices discourage me from finding out.

Years later, I began to sing regularly at church. Still getting nervous, but doing it none the less. My voice was a gift I was given by God and I had to use it no matter how nervous I got. Still...those voices...not good enough...never measure up...always someone better. I wasn't singing for glory, just God, but at the same time I wanted to do well. I think part of my nervousness over the years was that I didn't want to be laughed at, to disappoint anyone, to please everyone when really I just needed to sing for God. Thinking about it right now makes me well-up with tears. All the years I worried about what others thought, when really no one else but God mattered!

Pleasing others, wanting to be accepted by everyone, feeling left out when not included, these are all areas I have struggled with too. This is not just with people I know or friends, but even family. Relationships are so important to me and it's often here that I hear the voices saying I'm not good enough...someone else is more important...it's okay if you aren't included...you get the idea. I've always tried to include everyone, not leave anyone out because I know how that feels to be left out and not included. It hurts...again the voices telling me I'm not good enough...will never measure up.

And then this song...it's not as if I haven't heard these words spoken or sung before, but there's just something in this song that struck a chord. So many things in my past (and actually in my present too) that have eaten away at me, that have caused me time, energy, tears, are not important! It doesn't matter what others think of me (although I still dwell on this because I want to be liked and accepted). It only matters that God loves me and accepts me just as I am. With all my failures, my weaknesses, my struggles. I know it is a daily battle to fight back those voices that tell me I'm not enough, that try and tell me that I'll never measure up to standards of today (whatever those may be). But this I know...it isn't about me, but about Him. I know this side of heaven I'll never be enough, never good enough, pretty enough, you name it. But to my God, I'm just right! If I fall, I know He'll be there to pick me up and if I have a victory of some kind it really won't be mine but His!

These will all be daily struggles, but...

I know I'm loved.
I know I'm strong.
I know He holds me.
I know I belong.
I know I'm HIS!
And I believe...

Update:  I wrote and published all the above in 2018. I started to write a new post today, 2/20/23 about being weary. Weary for all of the reasons listed above but then I re-read this and realized I've already written it. I think at times we all get weary and burdened in our lives, from things we've done or maybe things we should have done. Regardless, there is always REST with the Father. For all He does for me, I'm so very thankful.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

My RA Journey - Revisted

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I've been diagnosed with it since 2005, right about the time I turned 45. However, looking back there were a few signs of it occasionally rearing it's ugly head back to about 1998.

There aren't any physical attributes with RA, at least not on me. Many of you have probably seen others who have RA who have the huge, gnarled knuckles, crooked fingers, maybe they walk with a cane or walker (if they are able to walk at all). For some, it affects not only their joints, but also their internal organs. So far, it hasn't affected mine (let's hope and pray it never does).

I had a teacher in high school, Kathy Bertrand, who had RA from the time she was in high school. I can't imagine living such a young life with this horrible disease. At the time she was diagnosed, there weren't medications as there are now. I know she had many surgeries to try and straighten her fingers just so that she could function and her feet just so that she could walk. In the end, the disease took her life.

My disease isn't that bad. Actually, most of the time I feel just fine. Also, I don't have any physical deformities due to this disease. You can't "see" that I have RA and if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know. But believe me, it's there.

I started getting a biologic medication through an IV drip in 2008. This was after trying a number of different medications that either didn't work or was so strong that it nearly killed my liver.

I started getting Remicade back in 2008. At that time, it was given every 8 weeks and was a 2-hour process. I had a difficult time with this medication for quite a while. I would get side effects from it including flu-like symptoms, headache, chills, and body aches for probably about a year. I even had a head ache so bad that I lost the hearing in my left ear for a day. In addition, after a while, I developed an allergic reaction WHILE it was being administered in the form of hives. They even had to stop the infusion at one point because my throat was beginning to close up. So this began my journey of pre-medicating with Benadryl (2), Claritin (2), Tylenol (2), and a steroid injection BEFORE getting the infusion.

After a while, the 8 weeks was too long so it was changed to every 7 weeks. Then, every 6 weeks. Then, my dosage was increased. Again, time between infusions was reduced to every 5 weeks and finally every 4 weeks. By this time I was getting about 2 good weeks virtually pain free. 2 weeks. Also "virtually" pain free, not completely, but mostly.

So now my doctor has decided to change my medication from Remicade to Orencia. It is also administered through an IV drip but only takes 30 minutes rather than 2 hours. I don't know if I will have any side effects during the infusion nor do I know if I will have any side effects after it. I don't know how long it might take to get any relief but I have to try it.

If you really know me, you know I don't usually complain about this disease too much. I still live an active life, I workout just about every day (even when I hurt), I play with my granddaughters (and want to continue to be able to play with all of them for many years to come), I love to work on projects, I love to build things, I love to do things with and for my kids, and I love to travel with my husband.

I don't know if there will be a cure for RA in my lifetime or ever, but I hope there will be a medication I can continue to get that will allow me to live a long and full life. I have too many things I would like to be able to do for a long long time. Also, remember that not everyone who has a disability has a physically apparent defect. There are many of us who are in pain, struggle to walk, pick things up, etc., but we don't physically look like we have anything wrong with us.

Revision
Since I composed and posted the above, little has changed for me in a positive physical direction. As a matter of fact, even with new medication, my RA has gotten worse. As each month has gone by since June, I've hoped there would be improvement in how I felt. That the medication would begin to work on those joints that were causing me problems. Instead, more and more joints have become painful and life has become more difficult with each painful day.

Simple everyday tasks that we usually take for granted have become nearly impossible. I say nearly because even though they are painful I still have to do them. Taking a shower or bath, fixing my hair, putting on and taking off clothes, writing anything with a pen/pencil, even driving. There are many others, but you get the idea. These are the simple things. There are many other things that I used to do before the pain RA took over that I enjoyed doing: exercising, crafting, working on projects around the house. Now, I do what I need to do at work and home, read more, and watch TV maybe a little too much. Even picking up and loving on my granddaughters has become painful but I'm not going to stop doing that!!

I have my moments (and sometimes hours) when I let the pity party begin. There are things I want to do that I can't and it makes me angry. Things I should be able to do that are just too painful right now.

I was supposed to see my doctor and get an infusion on Thursday, but the weather prevented me from getting into St. Louis. I was, however, able to get in on Friday and even though he was busy, he managed to fit me in. He and I (and my lab work) determined that I have had constant inflammation since changing medication in June. The current one isn't working at all. So, approval is being sought from my insurance to change yet again. It is a newer form of the previous medication I was on that worked for quite a long time. I'm hopeful that it will work and work soon. I'm also hopeful that I can possibly begin it next week. In the mean time, I just function the best I can each day.

Through all of this, I have never once lost sight of the power and presence of my God. Over the years I have prayed many things to him concerning my RA, the biggest one was to take it from me if it was His will. Well, as you can tell, it hasn't been His will. But, I know he is with me. I am reminded of this each and every day through His word. I also listen to Christian radio (Joy-FM). This morning has been especially difficult and these songs came on, almost one after the other. If you haven't heard them before, look them up. They are songs on encouragement, at least they have been for me.

Even If - Mercy Me
Joy - For King & Country
Good Good Father - Zealand Worship
All My Hope - Crowder
Counting Every Blessing - Rend Collective
Who You Say I Am - Hillsong Worship

Having this disease has certainly opened my eyes to the daily struggles of others who have unseen/unknown physical ailments. How many people that you know have autoimmune diseases who never tell you about them? Many didn't know that I did until I published this in June.

Someone I haven't mentioned before who has been my constant, my strength, my everything, has been my husband, Jeff. I thank God for him every single day.

So, I pray that this new medication will begin working as soon as I'm able to get it. If not, we'll keep looking for one that will. And pray for all of those who are in constant pain. While mine is constant now, it hasn't always been and hopefully won't be soon. But there are those who are in much more pain than I am. I'm not usually a complainer about this. It's just there. Pray for those who really need relief.

"Happy"

As adults, we all know the things that make us happy. For me, happiness can be something as simple as seeing the sunshine in the morning, flowers blooming in the spring, newly fallen snow that sticks to the trees, and even a full gas tank when Jeff has taken my car and filled it up for me.

Happiness is also found in spending time with my family, whether individually or altogether. Each one of them brings such joy and happiness to my life every day.

As adults, we are aware of those things that bring us happiness as well as things, situations, or people who make us sad, scared, nervous, and anxious. We are able to steer clear of the negatives and move towards the positives.

At what age did we become aware of emotions and understand what they meant? I don't remember when I was first happy or sad, or upset, or any other emotion, but I know I have experienced all of them. I also don't remember the first time my sons were really happy, sad, or upset as young children, but I know they have been.

Babies show all types of emotions to let us know how they feel or what they need because they haven't learned how to communicate verbally. They smile, laugh, coo, fuss, and cry. They know what they feel so they express that the only way their know how.  But when do they REALLY know what any of these emotions are.

My granddaughter, Paisley, who is almost 2, is getting to the age of being able to express her feelings and emotions in words and not just in actions. She tells me "wuv oo, Mamaw", "tank oo, Mamaw", she gets angry when she doesn't get her way, and she cries when she gets her feelings hurt.

I got to spend the day with her just yesterday. It was a rainy, stormy day so we weren't able to go out and play as I had planned. We spent most of the morning playing with her toys in the house, "riding" her tricycle around the house, playing puzzles, and coloring.

After lunch and after her nap she really wanted to go out. Knowing we couldn't go play in the yard or go for a walk, I decided we would go into the garage and just open the garage door. We would go outside but not fully outside. I put her jacket on her, for some reason she wanted her mittens too, she picked up her Elmo, and out we went.

She was content to sit on the concrete floor for a while just watching the rain sprinkling down, but eventually started venturing out of the garage. It did stop raining eventually and we ventured over to the rocks that are in the front of the house where she loves to play and count. Unfortunately it started to sprinkle again so we had to go back to the garage for a while.

As we were in the garage, I was sitting on the floor and she was standing beside me, she suddenly wrapped her arms around herself as if to hug herself, she looked at me, and in the sweetest voice she said, "Happy, Mamaw!".   I don't know if she was happy to be outside, happy to be with me, or both. I like to think that it was both but even if she was only indicating her happiness with being outside, I thought that was the sweetest reaction. She isn't yet 2, but she knows what happiness is and what it feels like.

I think we can learn so much from children. How to be "happy" with the simple things. How to be content with just sitting in the garage watching the rain even though we can't play outside. Being content with just being with someone we love.

I didn't respond to her when she said that to me, but my response now is to remember her contentment, wrap my arms around her (and all my other loved ones), and say "Happy, Paisley!"