Who I Am

When the song, You Say by Lauren Daigle, first came out on the radio and I heard it for the first time, I cried. It was as if she wrote this just for me. It was as if she went into my past, saw all of my struggles with myself, saw all of the areas where I felt I fell short, all of the relationships I desperately wanted (and often times still do), all of the insecurities I've had, all of the times I felt I wasn't good enough (and still do), and on and on and on, and wrote this for me.

 You Say

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh, I believe

Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Oh I believe (I), yes I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
Oh I believe (oh)

Songwriters: Paul Mabury / Lauren Ashley Daigle / Jason Ingram

You Say lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

 These are the lyrics to her song. Right from the very beginning, about fighting the voices in my mind, not being good enough, never being able to measure up. Oh My Goodness!! That is how I have felt...forever! Now, before you say "but look at what you do, what you have done, what you have accomplished", because I have been blessed many times over, you have to understand the struggle to get here.

I have always struggled with my self-worth my entire life. Wondering where I belonged. Feeling that I didn't fit in with people or groups that I wanted to belong to. Desperate for relationships that weren't just one-sided. Feeling that I wasn't good enough to be part of a group, to be chosen for something I really wanted (or thought I did), or just to be accepted.

I've always been pretty shy. I know some who read this will find that comical, but I really am. From a very young age I struggled with talking with people who I didn't know. I found it difficult to make friends at first because of this shyness. Having relationships with friends (once I got to know them) wasn't difficult, but it was often difficult getting to that point. Not that I was difficult to speak to, just that I was wary of opening myself up to someone lest I get hurt. I have always had really close friends. Not tons of friends, but the ones I have are truly special.

When I think back to high school (and why would I want to do that?), it kind of makes my stomach churn. I can remember desperately wanting to be part of a "group". I don't know what group, maybe the popular kids, definitely not the smokers (although I think I'm probably friends with some of those smokers)! I never considered myself one of the popular kids from my school. I knew LOTS of kids from all groups and could get along with and be friends with EVERYONE. I wasn't cute enough, didn't wear the right clothes, didn't have the right body type, maybe my dad didn't work for the right company, I wasn't athletic. So many variables to consider. But...I had friends, good friends.

In addition to being shy, I have always gotten extremely nervous when speaking or performing in front of a group of people. Knowing that you would think that I would never want to perform in front of anyone. On the contrary, I have loved to sing from an early age. That didn't mean I didn't get nervous, because I did! I think I was pretty good at singing (I was also in the band, played clarinet, and was our drum major my senior year). I loved singing so much I decided to major in vocal music performance in college.  My absolute dream was to sing at the Metropolitan Opera in NYC. I don't know if I would have ever made it because I let those voices discourage me from finding out.

Years later, I began to sing regularly at church. Still getting nervous, but doing it none the less. My voice was a gift I was given by God and I had to use it no matter how nervous I got. Still...those voices...not good enough...never measure up...always someone better. I wasn't singing for glory, just God, but at the same time I wanted to do well. I think part of my nervousness over the years was that I didn't want to be laughed at, to disappoint anyone, to please everyone when really I just needed to sing for God. Thinking about it right now makes me well-up with tears. All the years I worried about what others thought, when really no one else but God mattered!

Pleasing others, wanting to be accepted by everyone, feeling left out when not included, these are all areas I have struggled with too. This is not just with people I know or friends, but even family. Relationships are so important to me and it's often here that I hear the voices saying I'm not good enough...someone else is more important...it's okay if you aren't included...you get the idea. I've always tried to include everyone, not leave anyone out because I know how that feels to be left out and not included. It hurts...again the voices telling me I'm not good enough...will never measure up.

And then this song...it's not as if I haven't heard these words spoken or sung before, but there's just something in this song that struck a chord. So many things in my past (and actually in my present too) that have eaten away at me, that have caused me time, energy, tears, are not important! It doesn't matter what others think of me (although I still dwell on this because I want to be liked and accepted). It only matters that God loves me and accepts me just as I am. With all my failures, my weaknesses, my struggles. I know it is a daily battle to fight back those voices that tell me I'm not enough, that try and tell me that I'll never measure up to standards of today (whatever those may be). But this I know...it isn't about me, but about Him. I know this side of heaven I'll never be enough, never good enough, pretty enough, you name it. But to my God, I'm just right! If I fall, I know He'll be there to pick me up and if I have a victory of some kind it really won't be mine but His!

These will all be daily struggles, but...

I know I'm loved.
I know I'm strong.
I know He holds me.
I know I belong.
I know I'm HIS!
And I believe...

Update:  I wrote and published all the above in 2018. I started to write a new post today, 2/20/23 about being weary. Weary for all of the reasons listed above but then I re-read this and realized I've already written it. I think at times we all get weary and burdened in our lives, from things we've done or maybe things we should have done. Regardless, there is always REST with the Father. For all He does for me, I'm so very thankful.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

My RA Journey - Revisted

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I've been diagnosed with it since 2005, right about the time I turned 45. However, looking back there were a few signs of it occasionally rearing it's ugly head back to about 1998.

There aren't any physical attributes with RA, at least not on me. Many of you have probably seen others who have RA who have the huge, gnarled knuckles, crooked fingers, maybe they walk with a cane or walker (if they are able to walk at all). For some, it affects not only their joints, but also their internal organs. So far, it hasn't affected mine (let's hope and pray it never does).

I had a teacher in high school, Kathy Bertrand, who had RA from the time she was in high school. I can't imagine living such a young life with this horrible disease. At the time she was diagnosed, there weren't medications as there are now. I know she had many surgeries to try and straighten her fingers just so that she could function and her feet just so that she could walk. In the end, the disease took her life.

My disease isn't that bad. Actually, most of the time I feel just fine. Also, I don't have any physical deformities due to this disease. You can't "see" that I have RA and if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't know. But believe me, it's there.

I started getting a biologic medication through an IV drip in 2008. This was after trying a number of different medications that either didn't work or was so strong that it nearly killed my liver.

I started getting Remicade back in 2008. At that time, it was given every 8 weeks and was a 2-hour process. I had a difficult time with this medication for quite a while. I would get side effects from it including flu-like symptoms, headache, chills, and body aches for probably about a year. I even had a head ache so bad that I lost the hearing in my left ear for a day. In addition, after a while, I developed an allergic reaction WHILE it was being administered in the form of hives. They even had to stop the infusion at one point because my throat was beginning to close up. So this began my journey of pre-medicating with Benadryl (2), Claritin (2), Tylenol (2), and a steroid injection BEFORE getting the infusion.

After a while, the 8 weeks was too long so it was changed to every 7 weeks. Then, every 6 weeks. Then, my dosage was increased. Again, time between infusions was reduced to every 5 weeks and finally every 4 weeks. By this time I was getting about 2 good weeks virtually pain free. 2 weeks. Also "virtually" pain free, not completely, but mostly.

So now my doctor has decided to change my medication from Remicade to Orencia. It is also administered through an IV drip but only takes 30 minutes rather than 2 hours. I don't know if I will have any side effects during the infusion nor do I know if I will have any side effects after it. I don't know how long it might take to get any relief but I have to try it.

If you really know me, you know I don't usually complain about this disease too much. I still live an active life, I workout just about every day (even when I hurt), I play with my granddaughters (and want to continue to be able to play with all of them for many years to come), I love to work on projects, I love to build things, I love to do things with and for my kids, and I love to travel with my husband.

I don't know if there will be a cure for RA in my lifetime or ever, but I hope there will be a medication I can continue to get that will allow me to live a long and full life. I have too many things I would like to be able to do for a long long time. Also, remember that not everyone who has a disability has a physically apparent defect. There are many of us who are in pain, struggle to walk, pick things up, etc., but we don't physically look like we have anything wrong with us.

Revision
Since I composed and posted the above, little has changed for me in a positive physical direction. As a matter of fact, even with new medication, my RA has gotten worse. As each month has gone by since June, I've hoped there would be improvement in how I felt. That the medication would begin to work on those joints that were causing me problems. Instead, more and more joints have become painful and life has become more difficult with each painful day.

Simple everyday tasks that we usually take for granted have become nearly impossible. I say nearly because even though they are painful I still have to do them. Taking a shower or bath, fixing my hair, putting on and taking off clothes, writing anything with a pen/pencil, even driving. There are many others, but you get the idea. These are the simple things. There are many other things that I used to do before the pain RA took over that I enjoyed doing: exercising, crafting, working on projects around the house. Now, I do what I need to do at work and home, read more, and watch TV maybe a little too much. Even picking up and loving on my granddaughters has become painful but I'm not going to stop doing that!!

I have my moments (and sometimes hours) when I let the pity party begin. There are things I want to do that I can't and it makes me angry. Things I should be able to do that are just too painful right now.

I was supposed to see my doctor and get an infusion on Thursday, but the weather prevented me from getting into St. Louis. I was, however, able to get in on Friday and even though he was busy, he managed to fit me in. He and I (and my lab work) determined that I have had constant inflammation since changing medication in June. The current one isn't working at all. So, approval is being sought from my insurance to change yet again. It is a newer form of the previous medication I was on that worked for quite a long time. I'm hopeful that it will work and work soon. I'm also hopeful that I can possibly begin it next week. In the mean time, I just function the best I can each day.

Through all of this, I have never once lost sight of the power and presence of my God. Over the years I have prayed many things to him concerning my RA, the biggest one was to take it from me if it was His will. Well, as you can tell, it hasn't been His will. But, I know he is with me. I am reminded of this each and every day through His word. I also listen to Christian radio (Joy-FM). This morning has been especially difficult and these songs came on, almost one after the other. If you haven't heard them before, look them up. They are songs on encouragement, at least they have been for me.

Even If - Mercy Me
Joy - For King & Country
Good Good Father - Zealand Worship
All My Hope - Crowder
Counting Every Blessing - Rend Collective
Who You Say I Am - Hillsong Worship

Having this disease has certainly opened my eyes to the daily struggles of others who have unseen/unknown physical ailments. How many people that you know have autoimmune diseases who never tell you about them? Many didn't know that I did until I published this in June.

Someone I haven't mentioned before who has been my constant, my strength, my everything, has been my husband, Jeff. I thank God for him every single day.

So, I pray that this new medication will begin working as soon as I'm able to get it. If not, we'll keep looking for one that will. And pray for all of those who are in constant pain. While mine is constant now, it hasn't always been and hopefully won't be soon. But there are those who are in much more pain than I am. I'm not usually a complainer about this. It's just there. Pray for those who really need relief.

"Happy"

As adults, we all know the things that make us happy. For me, happiness can be something as simple as seeing the sunshine in the morning, flowers blooming in the spring, newly fallen snow that sticks to the trees, and even a full gas tank when Jeff has taken my car and filled it up for me.

Happiness is also found in spending time with my family, whether individually or altogether. Each one of them brings such joy and happiness to my life every day.

As adults, we are aware of those things that bring us happiness as well as things, situations, or people who make us sad, scared, nervous, and anxious. We are able to steer clear of the negatives and move towards the positives.

At what age did we become aware of emotions and understand what they meant? I don't remember when I was first happy or sad, or upset, or any other emotion, but I know I have experienced all of them. I also don't remember the first time my sons were really happy, sad, or upset as young children, but I know they have been.

Babies show all types of emotions to let us know how they feel or what they need because they haven't learned how to communicate verbally. They smile, laugh, coo, fuss, and cry. They know what they feel so they express that the only way their know how.  But when do they REALLY know what any of these emotions are.

My granddaughter, Paisley, who is almost 2, is getting to the age of being able to express her feelings and emotions in words and not just in actions. She tells me "wuv oo, Mamaw", "tank oo, Mamaw", she gets angry when she doesn't get her way, and she cries when she gets her feelings hurt.

I got to spend the day with her just yesterday. It was a rainy, stormy day so we weren't able to go out and play as I had planned. We spent most of the morning playing with her toys in the house, "riding" her tricycle around the house, playing puzzles, and coloring.

After lunch and after her nap she really wanted to go out. Knowing we couldn't go play in the yard or go for a walk, I decided we would go into the garage and just open the garage door. We would go outside but not fully outside. I put her jacket on her, for some reason she wanted her mittens too, she picked up her Elmo, and out we went.

She was content to sit on the concrete floor for a while just watching the rain sprinkling down, but eventually started venturing out of the garage. It did stop raining eventually and we ventured over to the rocks that are in the front of the house where she loves to play and count. Unfortunately it started to sprinkle again so we had to go back to the garage for a while.

As we were in the garage, I was sitting on the floor and she was standing beside me, she suddenly wrapped her arms around herself as if to hug herself, she looked at me, and in the sweetest voice she said, "Happy, Mamaw!".   I don't know if she was happy to be outside, happy to be with me, or both. I like to think that it was both but even if she was only indicating her happiness with being outside, I thought that was the sweetest reaction. She isn't yet 2, but she knows what happiness is and what it feels like.

I think we can learn so much from children. How to be "happy" with the simple things. How to be content with just sitting in the garage watching the rain even though we can't play outside. Being content with just being with someone we love.

I didn't respond to her when she said that to me, but my response now is to remember her contentment, wrap my arms around her (and all my other loved ones), and say "Happy, Paisley!"

Overflowing

When I was much younger, I dreamed of the day I would find "Mr. Right" and spend the rest of my life with him. There were various guys I "liked" in high school and then also in college, however, none of them were "the one".

Through a couple of friends, I finally met HIM, we began dating, and not long after that we married. I thought my life was complete and my heart was full that 26th day of March in 1983 when I became Mrs. Jeffrey Berges.

A year-and-a-half later we welcomed our first son, Ben, into this world on September 24, 1984. Again, I thought my heart was full. Then three-and-a-half years later, our other son was born on February 26, 1988. Once again, my heart continued to fill.

From the moment our first son was born, my thoughts began to look to the future. Who would marry each of our boys?  What was she going to be like? Would she have the type of personality to match his? Would they have the same likes and values? Would they be happy? I don't know about Jeff, but I thought about this a great deal and prayed about this even more.

To our joy, Ben married the love of his life, Danielle, on April 12, 2008 and Alex married the love of his life, Madeleine, on October 3, 2015. We couldn't have chosen any better for each of the boys than they did. Of course, I do believe that God was the reason for them meeting each other as these two "girls" of mine were the two I had begun praying for even before they were born. So, on October 3, 2015, when our youngest got married, my heart was finally full.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, my heart is already full to the brim, I find that I will now move from just being a wife, mom, and mother-in-law to the coveted title of Grandma, a title I have waited to have for quite a while. With the upcoming birth of the first grandchild, Paisley, my heart is no longer just full, but is overflowing. It is overflowing with the love of my husband, sons, daughters-in-love, and now a granddaughter.

God has blessed my life by filling my heart and my life with His love. His blessings continue as my heart now overflows with his love for me and my love for this new life. I hope and pray that my heart will continue to overflow with more of His blessings.

Becoming a Berges

For the past several months, our almost daughter-in-love has posted pictures of herself after going for a run, pictures of creating some of the decorations for the wedding, and pictures of her and Alex. As she posts them, she always includes the hashtag "becoming a berges". Since it is 4 days until she actually does become a Berges, I thought I'd jot down a few things about what it is to become a Berges.

When you become a Berges, you are joining a small yet mighty group of people who love each other immensely. We may have our differences from time to time, but we will ALWAYS be there for each other, love each other unconditionally, and support each other in times of joy and sorrow. Of course, this is true of many families, but becoming a Berges involves a great deal of love.

I became a Berges a little more than 32 years ago. I really didn't know what that would involve as no one really told me about the Berges family, their idiosyncrasies, history, craziness, and devotion. It would take many years to learn about all of this and to be honest I don't think I know as much about their history as I would like.

So, I have spent the past 33 years (we dated for a year before we married) learning about and trying to understand why my husband Jeff is the way that he is. He does have some of each of his parents in him, he is also a very unique man. He has a quirky sense of humor, knows a great deal of trivia (he really does know a lot but doesn't give himself much credit), and will help anyone at anytime. Once we had our boys, he became the most devoted dad I have ever seen. From the time they were able to move at all, he would take them outside, go for walks, throw the baseball or football, ride bikes, and do anything for them. He is fiercely protective and he is one of the most sensitive men ever. He cries at commercials and movies yet gets angry at some of the silliest things. 

Each of our boys has so many of his qualities (and even some qualities of their now deceased grandfather (Berk). Where Ben is incredibly outspoken, Alex is much more reserved. Regardless of their individual qualities, they both have many of the wonderful qualities of their dad; devotion, quirky sense of humor, and immense love for those who are important in their lives.

These two boys are the last men in this small group of Berges men. Those of us women who have been blessed to become their wife, their life mate, their forever friend, join a group of women who have come before us who also went through the process of becoming a Berges. I don't know if they had anyone to help them through the process or not. Becoming a Berges means you are joining a small group of women who have willingly changed their last name to Berges for this man that you love more than words can say. 

So, to both of our daughter-in-love, not only have our men been blessed because we are part of their lives, but we are also blessed because they are part of our lives. Danielle and I have already become a Berges: Madeleine, you will join us on Saturday. Welcome to our small group and I'm glad you said "Yes" and decided to become a Berges.

Dream Vacation - Chapter 2 - We Finally Arrived

Well, we finally made it on the plane after a missed flight, being put on stand-by and then not allowed to board, and a cancelled flight. I wasn't going to really believe it until we backed away from the gate, taxied to the runway, and actually took off. It took us a great while to get everyone boarded so I was still skeptical. I couldn't see out the window as my row neighbor had the window seat and had the shade completely closed plus she was asleep. How dare she! Didn't she know how important it was for me to be able to see that we were REALLY going to be taking off!!?? Turns out I didn't need to open the shade as I could hear the engines and feel the plane moving. Yes!! We were finally on our way!!

It seemed like we had just taken off when the flight attendants were suddenly offering us dinner. It's really kind of amazing how quickly they can get meals to the hundreds of people who are on a HUGE plane but they do. So as we eat we also browse through the multitude of movies, TV shows, and music that are available for us to enjoy during the flight (it is 5-1/2 hours long).

Dinner is over and it's getting late. Our seats are in the 2nd row in business class right by the bathroom for this area of the plane so it becomes very busy. Also, because we are in the 2nd row of business class, we can see into First Class. They each have individual pods similar to what you might see on the movie "Inception". Later in the night I would come to wish we were in First Class. 

So, as I said, dinner is over, people are all taking their bathroom breaks, and everyone is watching movies until ready to try to sleep. Have you ever tried to sleep on a very large, very loud plane with hundreds of people on it? Even though the flight attendants turn down the lights in the cabin, many people are still watching their individual monitors as well as the large monitors in the front of the cabin that monitor the flight path. Thankfully, I brought along ear plugs as well as a sleeping mask to blackout the light. I also brought along a pair of socks to wear during the flight to keep my feet warm. It's always cold on airplanes! 

I was amazed that I actually slept, even if it was for a short time. As soon as we woke up it was time for breakfast (didn't we just eat dinner?). We all quickly ate, people quickly used the restroom (there was a mass of people in our area), and then it was time to prepare for landing. Really?! Are we finally going to be landing in London? It is now Monday morning about 6:30 am London time - 8 hours ahead of home. We've missed a lot of sleep over the past 3 days and we missed some important tours. As I said, it is now Monday...we were supposed to have arrived here on Saturday morning. If we had arrived on Saturday as we had been planned, we would have traveled to Cottswald on Sunday and toured a quintessential English village. Monday's trip was the hardest one to miss. Again, if we had arrived on Saturday, we would now have been getting up and getting ready for our trip to Paris. We were going to take a train to Paris via the Chunnel (the tunnel under the English Channel). Not only would we have seen the Louvre, but also the Arc de Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower, and Notre Dam. Alas, we didn't. Maybe another trip.

We gather out things and file out of the plane (directly through First Class and see the small, yet much more comfortable than our regular seats, sleeping quarters they had with sheets and blankets. Then it was on to immigration, find out luggage, convert some of our money, and then on to find the express train from Heathrow to Paddington Station (yes, we went to Paddington Station!). 

Once we got to the station it was just about 2-3 blocks we had to walk to get to the apartment where we would stay for 3 nights. We were tired. We were hungry (even though we had breakfast on the plane). We get to the apartment, in the front door, and begin climbing the stairs to our apartment. Little did we know that it was on the top floor, probably had been the attic area when these row houses were single family homes. Now they are split into multiple apartments. Anyway, we begin climbing and climbing and climbing. Finally, 96 steps later we reached it dragging our suitcase, weighted down by our 2 carry-ons, exhausted. 

Inside we inspect the apartment, checkout the beds, determine who will sleep where, unpack some of our things, and decide we need to go get something to eat. So, we head back down the 96 steps to find food and get a few groceries as we planned to eat breakfast at the apartment each day. We walk back to Paddington Station, find a restaurant, sit down, and wait, and wait, and wait. No one comes to wait on us so Connie walked into the bar area and we find that it's kind of a self order and self serve place. Needless to say, we were too tired to do that. We decided to find a grocery store to pick up a few things for breakfast. Thankfully there was one within Paddington Station. Then we walked out onto the street to find a place to get a quick bite. You won't believe this, but our first meal in London was from McDonalds. Yes, McDonalds. We got it to go and went back to the apartment, once again walking up the 96 steps. We ate and then all took a well deserved nap.

Once we awoke from our nap, we sat around the apartment until around dinner time and then wandered down the steps once again to find someplace to eat dinner. We opted for an "American" style restaurant called Garfunkels for this first night. We decided we would become more Londonized tomorrow. Finishing our first dinner in London, we wearily walked back to the apartment (96 steps), spent a little bit of time unwinding, and then went to bed early. Even though we had all had a nice nap, we were still dragging.

Alarms were set (we had our first tour the next day to see the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace, and St. Paul's Cathedral). As we settled in for the night we could finally rest easy and well as we had finally arrived...

Berges Family 2014 in Review

The year 2014...almost in the history books for everyone including the Berges Family. 

As the year began, most everything was the same as it had been at the end of 2013. With that in mind, we began to think ahead to summer and a family vacation. Discussions went back and forth about where to go. I wanted to go to New York City while the boys wanted to go to the beach in Florida. In the end, the beach won out over NYC. Searching began for a rental property that would fit 6 in Panama City Beach, Florida. Should we choose a house or a condo? Since we didn't know much about this area as our experience in Florida has only been in Pensacola Beach, we weren't really sure which property to choose. I was very close to choosing a house closer to the main part of town when a penthouse condo caught my eye on VRBO. It fit 6, was directly on the beach, had a pool, and had a price we couldn't pass up. So, we booked it.

Shortly after the booking of the condo in Florida, changes began in our family. First, Ben decided to look for another position in law enforcement outside of Franklin County as the pay in the county, at least as a deputy sheriff, is not enough for any family to live on. So, his search began...

Alex has been working at Warren County Sheriff's Department in the jail for nearly 3 years. A year ago he was officially made a commissioned officer in that county but was still working in the jail. In late February he was given a position as a road deputy making this the first change in the family for the year. At this point, we had a deputy in both Warren County and Franklin County.

Ben's applications included Maryland Heights which ultimately offered him a position. Much better pay and benefits. This was the second change for the family. I was very proud and honored that I was able to attend the ceremony on May 20th in which he was sworn in to his new position. As a matter of fact, Danielle, Alex, and I were able to go to this ceremony and both of the boys were in uniform. Very proud moment.

Despite the changes with Ben's and Alex's positions, we hoped that they would still be able to go on vacation with us in June. Since Alex had been with the department for nearly 3 years he should still have vacation time and Ben was hopeful that by that time he would be able to comp some time. However, neither would be able to go on vacation.

As a teacher, I enjoy a snow day or 2. This year, unfortunately, the snow days just continued to occur. Actually, we had 14 of them. That is the most I have ever experienced in my 14 years in education. Our normal time to get out is about mid May. This year we had to go until June 5. Yes, that's right, June 5! I vow to only do the snow dance once or twice this year.

So, it is now June. School is finally out. Danielle has completed her first year as a teacher. Both of the boys have new positions and can't go with us on vacation. Jeff was able to get vacation at the right time. Madeleine (Alex's girlfriend since November - I'll share more about her later) is teaching summer school and won't be able to go with us either. The condo that we rented to accommodate 6 will now only have 3 guests; Jeff, Danielle, and me.

Madeleine...Alex's girlfriend since November 2013. They met through mutual friends. However, I knew her before Alex did because she was one of my college students at Central Methodist. She has quickly become a part of our family and I think she feels right at home with all of us. She was hoping for a teaching position as an elementary teacher (this would be her first year) but instead received an offer to teach special education at New Haven High School. While it isn't the position she would like, she is making the best of it (for now). More about Madeleine later...

With Ben's job change, he also was required to move closer to his municipality. Initially they were going to move to the Pacific area as Danielle was teaching in Bourbon. However, she got a new position teaching in St. Clair which then allowed them to move a little further east to Eureka. Danielle and I worked throughout much of the summer to prepare their house for sale; painting, fixing the laminate floor, laying new kitchen/dining floor, repairing and staining the deck, replacing the shutters, and other miscellaneous items. They listed the house in August during a time that is usually difficult to sell homes and waited.

August was also a time of stress and anxiety. When the shooting occurred in Ferguson and the protests, riots, and looting first began, Ben was on duty in his municipality with the possibility of being called into Ferguson. I went to bed that night not knowing all that was occurring. I was awakened by a text from Danielle telling me that Ben was not home yet and that he didn't know when he would be home. I went over to their house and stayed with her that night. We sat up watching the coverage until about 2 or 3 am. We both tried to go to sleep as we each had trainings to get ready for the first day of the school the following morning. I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I was when I heard him come into the house at about 5:20 am. I hugged him and then went home to get ready for my day. The prayers that were lifted that night on his behalf (and all of the other law enforcement officers) were greatly appreciated.

As summer came to a close and fall arrived, we shared in the 30th, yes the 30th birthday of our oldest son! I have no idea where all of the years have gone and how it is even possible that we could have a child who is 30. He has grown into a wonderful man and Jeff and I are incredibly proud of him and his accomplishments.

It seemed like it was just yesterday that Ben and Danielle listed their house. Fortunately for them, it didn't take long for it to sell. Unfortunately, they didn't have a house to move into. So, we moved most of their belongings into a storage unit, moved other items to our basement, and still others to Danielle's parents' house. They also had to stay with Tim and Rhonda until they found a house. I think they were there about a month when they were able to purchase their new home in Eureka. Rhonda and I spent multiple days helping Danielle paint, clean, and organize not only for them to just live in, but because they hosted Thanksgiving dinner for the family this year. She and I had spent some time working on building a table just for them to go into their new hearth room. I don't have a picture of it in the room, but here is the fireplace that was updated including the mantle that was nearly thrown away until Danielle took the belt sander to it.

Right before Thanksgiving was another trying time in the St. Louis area with the release of the grand juries decision. Once again as this time drew near my anxiety level increased not knowing if Ben would be in the middle of it. Thankfully, he did not. He was even able to be off with all of us for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving this year took on new memories for our family. Alex asked Madeleine to be his wife and she said YES! Thus began the setting of dates, changing of dates, setting up a Pinterest board, finding a hall and booking it, booking the church, and on and on and on. The official date is October 3, 2015.

As parents, Jeff and I are very proud of our boys. We have tried to teach them right from wrong, importance of family, and most importantly to love, trust, and rely on God for everything. We believe that God has blessed them (and us) with the women they both found to be their wives. We couldn't have picked better ones for them and absolutely LOVE our "girls"!

2014 is quickly coming to a close. Christmas lights have been hung, tree has been decorated, presents wrapped and quickly unwrapped, and too much food was eaten. However, we were together as a family. It might have only been for a few short hours, but we have learned to make the best of those fleeting moments when we can. We had a lot of changes this year with more expected next year. God has blessed us through all of the changes and he will continue to do so because he is faithful. Change is often difficult, but with His guidance we can get through anything.

As we close out 2014 and all of the changes that have happened in our lives and we look towards all that will be happening in 2015, we can't help but be reminded of the one and only constant in our lives and that is that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is ALWAYS with us. He has never changed and he never will. He came to this earth as a baby so that he could experience all the things of life that we do. He understands, He loves, He cares, He is life. If you don't know him, I pray that you will.

"Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the city of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you. You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angle, praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." Luke 2: 10-14

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the Berges Family!

Jeff, Rekke, Ben, Danielle, Alex, and Madeleine

(Yes, that is the real Ben Berges.)